I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?