I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
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Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Dishonest mechanic?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church