I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Attacked by a mop.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
New tinder profile pic
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron