I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
You Might Also Like
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”