Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

even bears disappoint their mothers

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!