I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!