I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
