I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”
I have 1 coffee a day.
Offices are hell.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
good work, everybody
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.