Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!