Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Bruh

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!