I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
You Might Also Like
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times