I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.