Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

My warrants are pretty outstanding.