Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

🐶😂

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys