Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’