I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?