@WheelTod

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

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@Contwixt

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

@mom_ontherocks

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

@LolaLuvsLollies

I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo

@Just_Lee_

The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now