A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos
[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo
The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.
There’s never enough good news
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Time for church.