I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money