I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Ummm 😳
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁