I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.