Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Rude much 😂😂😂

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.