“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.