I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Oops 🤭
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?