Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.