Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars