Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

12653.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.