Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti