Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.