Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

never ask a starfish for directions

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets