I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Seek kebab; not attention
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal