I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool