I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
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I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop