Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail