Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Inside you there are two wolves

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…