Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is