I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
You Might Also Like
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Yup
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Batman v Dracula
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Become a minion. Get that bread.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
