Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

I feel seen

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.