Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need better friends

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”