Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

The future is now.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

Oh the world we live in…

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

For the baby who has everything

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell