Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.