Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

ㅤ

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

a lot to unpack here

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Finally, a door that understands me

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

neighborhood watch

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?