I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
#Caturday
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here