I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.