I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Oh yeh? Explain this then
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.