I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My birthstone is kidney
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.