Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.