I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
mumsnet is amazing
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My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus