I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
this was very charming
