I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.