I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
What a chick magnet..
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.