Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”