Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.