Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5