I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
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if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“i am a sweet baby”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment