Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them