Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

Attacked by a mop.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Catering service

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey