i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
the red hot silly peppers