I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
You Might Also Like
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time