I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
excuse me
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.