I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
You Might Also Like
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
liiiiiiiiike
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I created you as mosquito food.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG