I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
This makes total sense…
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.