I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.