@hpb777

I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.

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@SardonicTart

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

@skittle624

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

@bornmiserable

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

@ShootyDoody

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

@therealeatwood

ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@factcheckingcuz

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]