I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.

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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.


I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.


My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.


Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.


I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.


ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.


My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.


[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]