I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
They must have gotten it to go.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?