My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date