Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

ㅤ

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

A couple who are silly together stay together.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.