I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
There’s never enough good news
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The happy life.. 😊
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.