I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you