Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

english majors be like furthermore

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad