I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
A dad and his duck
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud![]()
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry