I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
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please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
We’re all getting idioter.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.