I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
You Might Also Like
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!