I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
You Might Also Like
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I beg you to euthanise me
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*