I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
You Might Also Like
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.