I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
they really wanted me dead for this
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.