I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”