I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Animal poetry
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date