Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.