I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Think I pulled my liver
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
True
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana