“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My blood type is b hungry.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.