Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Good news

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

opening twitter today

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.