Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this